The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders
March 2008
After listening to The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups, written by Caldecott Award author David Wisniewski, we created our own version of "the rules" and their "truths". We wrote with creativity and wonderful senses of humor! Enjoy our rules and OUR explanations!

 This project aligned with the following Pennsylvania Academic Standards:
1.1.5 Learning to Read Independently
1.4.5 Types of Writing
1.5.5 Quality of Writing
3.7.5 Technological Devices
This page was last updated: December 20, 2022
GaldimMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge Of 5th Graders

RULE #874:
Don’t jump on the bed.

OFFICIAL REASON:
You will hit your head.

THE TRUTH:
Your parents have most likely told you not to jump on the bed at some point in your life, but have you ever wondered why? Certainly not because you will hit your head, but because your bed is actually alive! Always chomping on things like some spare change or the remote. If you ever jump too close to the edge, your bed could chew on you as well. Beds need to eat like you or me but their menu is an entirely different selection. They feast on anything that comes in reach of their mouth. 
Luckily there is a way to prevent getting eaten by your bed, DON”T JUMP ON IT! Local studies have shown that if you don’t jump on your bed you cannot be consumed by what you think isn’t deadly. By now you are probably wondering why you haven’t been taken in while you were sleeping. The answer is quite simple. Your bed is sleeping too! Although you have to rest for 8 hours every night, your bed needs to rest for 12 hours every night, which means you have a little more time to brace yourself from the horrors that lurk under you at night. 
  

Matthew G.March 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge Of 5th Graders

RULE #999:
Don’t run in the house.

OFFICIAL REASON:
You’ll break something.

THE TRUTH:
Well, that is true that you could break something. That’s not why your parents don’t want you to run in the house. YOU COULD START A MINI TORNADO. Yes that’s right… a mini tornado. At first you don’t think you could run that fast, but parents have recorded their children running at speeds up to 87mph. The tornados first start in your house and demolish it. Breaking TV’s, slinging sofas, and smashing walls. That’s bad enough to start off with. It even gets worse when they get out of your house. The tornados will blow things and send them flying. That’s how the story of the cow flying over the moon got started. Now remember, don’t run in the house, or else. 


ShaneMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #73:
Brush your teeth.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It is healthy and it makes them look nice.

THE TRUTH:
It is true brushing your teeth makes your teeth look nice. But you don’t brush your teeth to keep them healthy, you brush your teeth to glue them to your gums. Toothpaste is a special type of glue. If you don’t brush your teeth, or should I say glue your teeth, they will fall out. When they fall out, you put them under your pillow and the tooth fairy doesn’t come. The tooth goes and they leave you a tip for pulling them out. After that, the teeth go to an underground control room called Teeth Head Quarters (THQ). At the THQ, teeth have parties and plan on someday ruling the earth. If teeth get out of control they will turn into little pieces of dust.
Doctors always have children coming in and saying they swallowed their tooth and that they have a stomach ache. The only reason kids have a stomach ache is because the tooth is trying to get out of the kids’ stomach.
The THQ has a lot of buttons in the control room and when the master tooth presses a button it can control what the teeth do, some of it is good and some bad. There is one button to tell the teeth to turn into a bird and fly out and through the city. If anyone ever told you that a white bird in the sky was a dove, it is really a flying tooth. Doves are not even real. They are all just flying teeth. There is a big button that makes the teeth into a giant so it could crush and destroy everything. Sometimes the teeth want to go back in your mouth so when you’re sleeping it crawls back in your mouth, but that mostly never happens. Always remember to glue your teeth.   
  


JustinMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #88:
Don’t hurt your brother.

OFFICIAL REASON:
Brother will get hurt.

THE TRUTH:
The truth is not that your brother will get hurt. The truth is after you have stopped beating on the little punk he will get all of his little friends and start to plot their little devious plan to get revenge on you. After they have finished they will wait until you have gone somewhere or wait until you’ve fallen asleep on the couch with a bag of chips. If they do something that might wake you up they will act as if nothing has happened so you don’t get suspicious. Once they have gotten all of their tools together they will start to build an enormous mechanical robot. Once you get up from your nap or come back they will snatch you up by your feet also known as SYU. 
The only way to prevent this is to never fall asleep or go anywhere. Well, if you really have to sleep just set up an alarm that could easily wake you. But if you want to do it the easy way you could just stop torturing your brother.  But seriously… that takes all the fun out of it. Oh yeah, and one more thing… if your brother asks you what you’re doing or going to do today don’t answer him. Just run for your life until you hit China. Okay. Well if you do tell him, try to make something up instead so you don’t get ridicously hurt. 


Zachery NekichMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #736:
Don't hit girls.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It is mean and rude.

THE TRUTH:
Whatever adult gave you the reason not to hit girls because it is mean and rude, is a big fat liar. The real reason not to hit girls is to keep those insane girls under control! Yes, it's true. The real reason you shouldn't hit girls is because if you hit them too hard,they might get so mad they will turn into giant man-eating lizards. 
I know what all you boys are thinking out there. "Cool, let's go hit a girl for no apparent reason and see what she'll do!" DON'T DO IT! You'll be running home screaming for help and end up wetting your pants. Unless you don't hit her, of course. Though if you hit her as hard as you possibly can, you'll really pay. It's even scarier than wetting your pants. You'll end up being eaten unless you do the three things explained in the next paragraph.
1. You'll have to say sorry and really mean it and hit yourself to make her laugh. This will ease her obsession to eat you.
2. You will have to compliment her and tell her how much better she is than other girls. This will make her smaller and less scary.
3. The last thing you have to do is buy her pretty things she'll like. This will turn her back to normal.
So, hopefully all you crazy boys out there now know not to hit girls and whatever you do especially don't hit your mom. REMEMBER she's full grown. (Steps 1-3 don't work with moms).
SarahMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #62:
Wear your helmet.

OFFICIAL REASON:
For your safety

THE TRUTH:
Yes, you do wear a helmet for safety but grown-ups really want you to wear a helmet for a different kind of safety. They want you to wear a helmet to make sure your head doesn’t get stuck to the ground! You may have not noticed but the grass and dirt don’t want you walking on them so they send out signals searching for heads. When one is found, a magnetic field will suck your head into the ground, but when you are wearing a helmet, the magnetic field is interrupted so the process cannot continue. You may be thinking well, how come this problem (as you will soon know is called MGS) doesn’t happen when you are walking around. The magnetic field is not interrupted, but you are strong enough to hold yourself up because of your two-legged structure. I just warn you… please… don’t suddenly lean over because the force can pull you from there.
If you ever do happen to get yourself into trouble of this sort you will become a victim of Magnetic Ground Syndrome or Magnetic Ground Syndrome Bike version or the Skater version (MGS or MGSB or MGSS.) As the ground sucks you in you will hear a loud, distinctive crack and I warn you if you don’t want to hear that your back has just broken DON’T read the next sentence. Your back has just broken to an unfixable level. You will now be stuck to the ground or your head will at least. After your head is on the ground you will soon feel your brain “walking” out of your head because the ground has convinced your head that the ground is better than your head. You will continue to have your head on the ground until your brain is completely being controlled by the ground. The rest will really go downhill from there.  This hill that I am talking about is really tall and really steep.
If you get help you are in the most wonderous of luck because the experts will come and use a huge board to scoop your head off of the ground. The experts will locate your brain and replace it to the original area where it belongs. They will wrap up your head and the spinal area in which you got injured. If you want to, the experts will put you up straight, but I warn you if you do this every day you live you will go through pain equivalent to unspeakable things. After having MGS happen to you, you will experience bizarre things that I can’t mention. I really now hope you will wear a helmet now especially when roller skating because, well, you might not want to know.   
   

KristiMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge Of Fifth Graders

Rule #489:
Always keep gum inside your mouth. 

OFFICIAL REASON:
It is disgusting and rude.

THE TRUTH:
Your parents may tell you that pulling your gum out of your mouth is nauseating and rude but that is not the true reason they tell you not to do it. I’ll tell you what the real reason is as long as you promise not to tell. Do you promise? OK… the real reason is once you take out a piece of gum and start chewing it turns into a mini wrecking ball that you can chew. But once you take it out, after a couple of seconds it turns into an actual gigantic wrecking ball (unless you throw it in the garbage of course because then garbage gremlin eats it). Then it will knock down your house, then your neighbor’s house, then your whole neighborhood… until it knocks down everything in its path. That’s why dentists tell you not to chew gum because it wrecks everything in your mouth. 
I know it sounds silly and untrue but that’s the truth and I don’t say this to scare you but you can cause a worldwide crisis if you pull your gum out of your mouth. You could even go to jail. Yep, all the county jails are full of gum-puller-outers. 
The last case reported of the gum-wrecking ball was in 1877. A 20-year-old male pulled a HUGE piece of gum out of his mouth and it knocked down every house in the state of Washington. He was locked up for life. Yep that’s right… his bones are even still there.
So think about what kind of damage you could do if you pull your gum out of your mouth and then don’t do it. Everything will benefit if you think before you do.  



Faith March 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge Of Fifth Graders

RULE # 456:
Don’t Run With Scissors.

OFFICIAL REASON:
YOU CAN POKE AN EYE OUT!

THE TRUTH:
Sure you can poke an eye out with scissors but the truth is that if you run with them they will wake up. Years ago scissors were live creatures. The handle was a little unusual though. The scissors’ handles didn’t have holes. What happened was that scissors were extremely rare. A guy named Steve was the first person to catch some pairs of scissors. The people heard that scissors were very valuable so humans captured the entire population of scissors. The people replaced the handles with handles with holes so people could use them to cut things with their razor-sharp fangs.
The new handle had tranquilizers in it. The problem that usually happens is that kids run with scissors and the tranquilizers wear out faster and if you get poked in the eye the venom in the fangs can cause pokeulatidous, or PL for short. It is rare, but the cure is very common. 
There are four cures: Ablaze the scissors and squirt lemon juice in your eye… just kidding. The real first cure is splash a jug of water in your eye. The second cure is to gargle soda, the other way is to bathe in a tub of grape juice, and the last cure is something very popular these days… chew almost a whole pack of gum.  So what I am trying to say is… DON’T RUN WITH SCISSORS!!! You Got That? 
      

AlexisMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #76:
Don’t stare at people.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It’s not polite.

THE TRUTH:
Sure staring at people is not polite but that is not why grown –ups tell you not to stare at people. The real reason is YOUR EYES WILL ROLL BACK INTO YOUR HEAD! If you stare at someone too long your eyes will need a break so they roll back into your head. Scientists have found a remedy to get your eyes back into your head. I will tell you that a little later. 
First let me tell you a little about your eyes rolling back into your head. When you are born your eyes are already in your head. But with all the ferment of when you were born that you needed to see what was going on so your eyes popped out. Grown–ups are too busy to take notice of this happening. Here is a way to get your eyes back to normal if this ever happens to you. 
1. You have to do this without everyone staring at you. You have to do this very quickly. You have to shake your head around and jump up and down. This will get your eyes moving in preparation of rolling back into the right spot. Then you tilt your head forward. That should get you eyes back to normal. If that does not work I have another way to get them back. PLEASE do not have a frenzy.
2. The second way to get your eyes back to normal is to listen to loud music. Since this usually only happens to kids, this should work. Kids bob their heads to loud music, so doing this will roll your eyes back. Now if nether of these works then you have a serious problem. I would recommend that you visit a person with experience of this kind. That should fix the problem.
Now if that is not the case for you and you stare at people sometimes then this might be your scenario. It you stare at people but your eyes don’t roll into your head then THE POLITE POLICE or the (pp) WILL COME AND GET YOU IN THE NIGHT. Yes the pp will come and get you in the night. They will remove the rudeness bone and replace it with the politeness bone. Now if this happens to you then you will be emotionally scarred for life. This could change your life forever. If this happens I might have a cure. I have to check my file be right back…………..O.K. 
There is one cure, but it is a little drastic.  First you have to do everything in your power to be polite. Well that shouldn’t be hard, because you are only polite with the politeness bone. Once the pp sees you have been polite they might forgive you. They will not put back the rudeness bone but they will give you a bone not as polite as the politeness bone. I hope this solves your problem. 
I beg you not to stare at people. Social Society is not ready for this. So please if you don’t want the world you know today to change then DON’T STARE AT PEOPLE!

      

StephanieMarch 19, 2008

The Secret Knowledge of 5 Graders 

RULE #122:
Do not touch things that are hot.

OFFICIAL REASON:
You will burn yourself. 

THE TRUTH:
Your parents do not let you touch things that are hot, but not because you will burn yourself. It is because they are trying to keep you from turning into a red-hot tamale! This transformation is called Red Hot Tamale or (RHT). If the little kids think that they can just mosey on down and touch something hot, they got it all wrong. Soon the RHT will spread all around the world! You will not see little kids going to school anymore, you will see hot tamales walking down the street. You will see big ones, small ones, and you may even see purple ones if you are lucky. Ways to avoid turning into a tamale:

#1 dye yourself red so that the oven, heater, pot, and so on, get tricked into knowing that you are already turning into a tamale

#2 try not to say “OW”. I know it is tempting to say the “word” but you know that you don’t want to turn into a tamale

If you do turn into tamale, you better stay away from the really small (pretend) tamale with the little toy car wheels. This truck is called: RHTT, meaning Red Hot Tamale Terminator. This terminator will send you off to farms and then will send you to the market and ……
Phzzzz….  “OW”, oh no I just got combusted. And said the “word”. I better get going. Time to dye myself red before I metamorphose into a you-know-what!